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George Carlin

Actor/Performer
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Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
From Brain Droppings
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
From Brain Droppings
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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Meow” means “woof” in cat.
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
From Brain Droppings
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>>
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
From Brain Droppings
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Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
From Brain Droppings
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>>
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>>
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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