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George Carlin

Actor/Performer
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
From Brain Droppings
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
From Brain Droppings
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You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
From Brain Droppings
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
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You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!
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Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
From Napalm & Silly Putty
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
From Brain Droppings
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
From Brain Droppings
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
From Brain Droppings
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is tough, then you die.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
From Napalm & Silly Putty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is tough, then you die.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
From Napalm & Silly Putty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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