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George Carlin

Actor/Performer
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
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I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
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I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
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And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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