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Mark Twain

Writer

Mark Twain was a celebrated American author and humorist known for his sharp wit and keen observations of human nature. His words blend humor with honesty, often revealing deeper truths about society, morality, and life itself. The following quotes capture Twain’s timeless insight, satire, and unmistakable voice.
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In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
From Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
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It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
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Life itself is only a vision, a dream."
"Nothing exists; all is a dream. God--man--the world--the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars--a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space--and you!
From The Mysterious Stranger
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
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I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
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When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
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Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
From Christian Science
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Humor is tragedy plus time.
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I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
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The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave.
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Golf is a good walk spoiled.
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
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Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
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I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
From The Diaries of Adam and Eve
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Each of us knows it all, and knows he knows it all—the rest, to a man, are fools and eluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn’t; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn’t; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn’t; one man knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren’t; one sect knows its religion is the only true one, there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn’t so.
From The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations
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Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt.
From On Religion
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
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It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
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There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson
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I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
From Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life itself is only a vision, a dream."
"Nothing exists; all is a dream. God--man--the world--the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars--a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space--and you!
From The Mysterious Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
From Christian Science
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is tragedy plus time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
From The Diaries of Adam and Eve
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Each of us knows it all, and knows he knows it all—the rest, to a man, are fools and eluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn’t; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn’t; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn’t; one man knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren’t; one sect knows its religion is the only true one, there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn’t so.
From The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt.
From On Religion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
From Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life itself is only a vision, a dream."
"Nothing exists; all is a dream. God--man--the world--the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars--a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space--and you!
From The Mysterious Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
From Christian Science
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is tragedy plus time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
From The Diaries of Adam and Eve
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Each of us knows it all, and knows he knows it all—the rest, to a man, are fools and eluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn’t; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn’t; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn’t; one man knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren’t; one sect knows its religion is the only true one, there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn’t so.
From The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt.
From On Religion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
From Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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