TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS
◀ BACK

Mark Twain

Writer

Mark Twain was a celebrated American author and humorist known for his sharp wit and keen observations of human nature. His words blend humor with honesty, often revealing deeper truths about society, morality, and life itself. The following quotes capture Twain’s timeless insight, satire, and unmistakable voice.

1
2
3
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: 4.0 ★Rate This Quote
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
1
2
3