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Dorothy Parker

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That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.