I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.