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Dorothy Parker

Other
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
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Topic: Funny
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
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Topic: Funny
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
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Topic: Funny
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
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Topic: Funny
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Inventory:

"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
From The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope, Life
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Inventory:

"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
From The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope, Life
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,
Painter or plumber or never-do-well,
Do me a favor and shut your face -
Poets alone should kiss and tell.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I don't know," she said. "We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.
From Here We Are
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
From The Collected Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.
From Enough Rope
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
From While Rome Burns
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Relationships
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
From The Portable Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Inventory:

"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
From The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope, Life
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
From You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness