FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
