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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
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Topic: Funny
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
From So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
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Topic: Funny, Life
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
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Topic: Funny
I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves in England to fulfill our peculiarly English needs, and certainly not in the ones they’ve invented in America, who supply their servants with toupees, television stations, and, most important, toll-free telephone numbers. I wish that people who did believe in such things would keep them to themselves and not export them to the developing world.
From Last Chance to See
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Topic: Religion
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny, Philosophical
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
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Topic: Funny
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
From Life, the Universe and Everything
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Topic: Funny
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Topic: Funny
You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
From Mostly Harmless
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Topic: Funny
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
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Topic: Funny
A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense from Maximegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn't a fish. The bass player was busy machine-gunning his bedroom and the drummer was nowhere on board.

Frantic inquiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a beach on Santraginus V over a hundred light years away where, he claimed, he had been happy for over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would be his friend.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Topic: Happiness
Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
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Topic: Inspirational
Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says, do what you like, guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha". It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.'
'Why not?'
'Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Topic: Religion
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
From The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
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Topic: Funny
Don't Panic.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
From Mostly Harmless
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Topic: Funny
So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die."
"Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried.
"What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round.
"No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
From Life, the Universe and Everything
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Topic: Funny
He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Death
Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Religion
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Topic: Funny
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.
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Topic: Funny
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
From So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
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Topic: Funny, Life
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
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Topic: Funny
I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves in England to fulfill our peculiarly English needs, and certainly not in the ones they’ve invented in America, who supply their servants with toupees, television stations, and, most important, toll-free telephone numbers. I wish that people who did believe in such things would keep them to themselves and not export them to the developing world.
From Last Chance to See
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Topic: Religion
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny, Philosophical
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
From Life, the Universe and Everything
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Topic: Funny
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Topic: Funny
You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
From Mostly Harmless
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Topic: Funny
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense from Maximegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn't a fish. The bass player was busy machine-gunning his bedroom and the drummer was nowhere on board.

Frantic inquiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a beach on Santraginus V over a hundred light years away where, he claimed, he had been happy for over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would be his friend.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Happiness
Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Inspirational
Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says, do what you like, guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha". It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.'
'Why not?'
'Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
From The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Don't Panic.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
From Mostly Harmless
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Topic: Funny
So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die."
"Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried.
"What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round.
"No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
From Life, the Universe and Everything
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Topic: Funny
He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Death
Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.
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Topic: Funny
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
From So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
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Topic: Funny, Life
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves in England to fulfill our peculiarly English needs, and certainly not in the ones they’ve invented in America, who supply their servants with toupees, television stations, and, most important, toll-free telephone numbers. I wish that people who did believe in such things would keep them to themselves and not export them to the developing world.
From Last Chance to See
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Topic: Religion
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
From Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
From Mostly Harmless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense from Maximegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn't a fish. The bass player was busy machine-gunning his bedroom and the drummer was nowhere on board.

Frantic inquiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a beach on Santraginus V over a hundred light years away where, he claimed, he had been happy for over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would be his friend.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Happiness
Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Inspirational
Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says, do what you like, guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha". It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.'
'Why not?'
'Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
From The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Don't Panic.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
From Mostly Harmless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die."
"Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried.
"What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round.
"No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
From Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Death
Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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Topic: Funny
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