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Ambrose Bierce

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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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