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Ambrose Bierce

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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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Topic: Religion
The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Topic: Funny
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny, Hope
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Life
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
From The Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Education
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Sports
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Topic: Funny
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Topic: Funny
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Philosophical
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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Topic: Religion
The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Topic: Funny
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny, Hope
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Life
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
From The Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Education
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Sports
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Topic: Funny
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Topic: Funny
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Philosophical
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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Topic: Religion
The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Topic: Funny
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny, Hope
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Life
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
From The Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Education
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Sports
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
From The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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Topic: Funny
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Topic: Funny
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
From The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Philosophical