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Lemony Snicket

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Friends can make you feel that the world is smaller and less sneaky than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences.
From The Austere Academy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
– To była niezła sztuczka – powiedziała. – Gdzie się pan nauczył tak dobrze spadać na drzewa?
– Odebrałem nietypowe wykształcenie – odrzekłem.
– A schodzić z drzewa pana nauczyli?
– Najlepszy sposób to poczekać na kogoś z drabiną.
– Na kogoś? – powtórzyła. – To znaczy konkretnie na kogo?
– Nie wiem. Nie znam jej imienia.
From Who Could That Be at This Hour?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
They're book addicts.
From The Miserable Mill
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn't mean that you would be a midget if you were bald.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Success
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
From The Wide Window
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.
From The Beatrice Letters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Friends can make you feel that the world is smaller and less sneaky than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences.
From The Austere Academy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
– To była niezła sztuczka – powiedziała. – Gdzie się pan nauczył tak dobrze spadać na drzewa?
– Odebrałem nietypowe wykształcenie – odrzekłem.
– A schodzić z drzewa pana nauczyli?
– Najlepszy sposób to poczekać na kogoś z drabiną.
– Na kogoś? – powtórzyła. – To znaczy konkretnie na kogo?
– Nie wiem. Nie znam jej imienia.
From Who Could That Be at This Hour?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
They're book addicts.
From The Miserable Mill
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn't mean that you would be a midget if you were bald.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Success
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
From The Wide Window
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.
From The Beatrice Letters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Friends can make you feel that the world is smaller and less sneaky than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences.
From The Austere Academy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
From The Penultimate Peril
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
– To była niezła sztuczka – powiedziała. – Gdzie się pan nauczył tak dobrze spadać na drzewa?
– Odebrałem nietypowe wykształcenie – odrzekłem.
– A schodzić z drzewa pana nauczyli?
– Najlepszy sposób to poczekać na kogoś z drabiną.
– Na kogoś? – powtórzyła. – To znaczy konkretnie na kogo?
– Nie wiem. Nie znam jej imienia.
From Who Could That Be at This Hour?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
They're book addicts.
From The Miserable Mill
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.
From The Reptile Room
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn't mean that you would be a midget if you were bald.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Success
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
From The Wide Window
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.
From The End
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.
From The Beatrice Letters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Hope
A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
From The Bad Beginning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
From Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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