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Christopher Moore

Other
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He was a writer and words were his weapons.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit
From Coyote Blue
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Hope
People, generally, suck.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've won Satan's lottery.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.
From Island of the Sequined Love Nun
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Inspirational
I love you above all things, even pie.
From Fool
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
From A Dirty Job
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He was a writer and words were his weapons.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit
From Coyote Blue
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Hope
People, generally, suck.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've won Satan's lottery.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.
From Island of the Sequined Love Nun
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Inspirational
I love you above all things, even pie.
From Fool
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
From A Dirty Job
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He was a writer and words were his weapons.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit
From Coyote Blue
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Hope
People, generally, suck.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I've won Satan's lottery.
From Bloodsucking Fiends
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
From Practical Demonkeeping
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
From The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
From Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.
From Island of the Sequined Love Nun
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Inspirational
I love you above all things, even pie.
From Fool
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
From A Dirty Job
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.
From Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education