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Darynda Jones

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Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
From Second Grave on the Left
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Topic: Funny
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
From First Grave on the Right
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Topic: Funny
After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”
“You do have that effect on people.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny, Life
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
From Second Grave on the Left
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Topic: Funny
God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
From Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
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Topic: Funny
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
From Second Grave on the Left
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Topic: Funny
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
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Topic: Funny
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”
“You do have that effect on people.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
From Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
From First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”
“You do have that effect on people.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
From Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
From Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
From Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny