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Dave Barry

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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
From Dave Barry Does Japan
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
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As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
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I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
From Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
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I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something--which I assumed was the ball--had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.
From Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
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Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.
From Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
From Dave Barry Turns 50
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
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Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
From Dave Barry Does Japan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
From Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something--which I assumed was the ball--had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.
From Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.
From Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
From Dave Barry Turns 50
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
From Dave Barry Does Japan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
From Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something--which I assumed was the ball--had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.
From Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.
From Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
From Dave Barry Turns 50
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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