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David Sedaris

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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."

When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
From Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.
From Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Relationships
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father."
He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."
He nice, the Jesus.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Death
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Filmmaking
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Television
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."

When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
From Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.
From Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Relationships
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father."
He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."
He nice, the Jesus.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Death
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Filmmaking
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Television
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."

When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
From Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.
From Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Relationships
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father."
He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."
He nice, the Jesus.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
From When You Are Engulfed in Flames
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Death
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Filmmaking
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Television
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Education
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
From Me Talk Pretty One Day
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Religion
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
From Naked
NOT YET RATING
▼
Topic: Funny