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George Carlin

Actor/Performer

George Carlin was a fearless observer of society, using razor-sharp comedy to challenge authority, language, and cultural norms. His quotes are blunt, provocative, and often uncomfortably honest. Together, they reflect a comedian who made people laugh while forcing them to question everything.

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NOT YET RATED▼
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
5.0★▼
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Topic: Funny, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Topic: Death, Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Death
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
5.0★▼
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Topic: Funny, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Topic: Death, Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Death
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
5.0★▼
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Sports
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Topic: Funny, Religion
George Carlin
5.0★▼
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Topic: Death, Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Topic: Death
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Topic: Religion
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
NOT YET RATED▼
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Topic: Funny
George Carlin
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