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George Carlin

Actor/Performer

George Carlin was a fearless observer of society, using razor-sharp comedy to challenge authority, language, and cultural norms. His quotes are blunt, provocative, and often uncomfortably honest. Together, they reflect a comedian who made people laugh while forcing them to question everything.

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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Topic: Funny
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
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Topic: Religion
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
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Topic: Sports
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
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Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
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Topic: Funny
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
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Topic: Funny, Philosophical
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Topic: Funny
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
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Topic: Sports
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
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Topic: Funny
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
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Topic: Funny
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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Topic: Funny, Philosophical
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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Topic: Funny, Life
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
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Topic: Funny
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
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Topic: Funny, Religion
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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Topic: Funny
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
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Topic: Death, Religion
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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Topic: Death
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Sports
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Sports
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death, Religion
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Sports
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life, Religion
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Sports fans eat shit.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Sports
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
From Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death, Religion
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
From When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Religion
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
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