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Groucho Marx

Actor/Performer

Groucho Marx is celebrated as one of the greatest comic minds of the 20th century, known for his quick wit and irreverent humor. His words often combine sharp satire with clever observations about life, society, and human nature. The following quotes capture his timeless humor, playful intelligence, and unique perspective that continues to entertain and inspire.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny