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Groucho Marx

Actor/Performer

Groucho Marx is celebrated as one of the greatest comic minds of the 20th century, known for his quick wit and irreverent humor. His words often combine sharp satire with clever observations about life, society, and human nature. The following quotes capture his timeless humor, playful intelligence, and unique perspective that continues to entertain and inspire.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
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Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
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Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
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Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
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Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
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Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
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Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
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Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
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Topic: Funny
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
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Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
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Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
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Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
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Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
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Topic: Funny
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Television
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Happiness
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Humor is reason gone mad.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Happiness
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny