Colorful Quotes
Colorful Quotes
TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS
◀ BACK

Groucho Marx

Actor/Performer

Groucho Marx is celebrated as one of the greatest comic minds of the 20th century, known for his quick wit and irreverent humor. His words often combine sharp satire with clever observations about life, society, and human nature. The following quotes capture his timeless humor, playful intelligence, and unique perspective that continues to entertain and inspire.

NOT YET RATED▼
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Topic: Funny, Television
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Humor is reason gone mad.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Topic: Funny, Television
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Humor is reason gone mad.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Topic: Funny, Television
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Humor is reason gone mad.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
From The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Topic: Happiness
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
Groucho Marx
NOT YET RATED▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
From Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
Groucho Marx