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Mark Twain

Writer

Mark Twain was a celebrated American author and humorist known for his sharp wit and keen observations of human nature. His words blend humor with honesty, often revealing deeper truths about society, morality, and life itself. The following quotes capture Twain’s timeless insight, satire, and unmistakable voice.

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All generalizations are false, including this one.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
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Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Life
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
All generalizations are false, including this one.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Life
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
All generalizations are false, including this one.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Life
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Happiness
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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