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Mark Twain

Writer

Mark Twain was a celebrated American author and humorist known for his sharp wit and keen observations of human nature. His words blend humor with honesty, often revealing deeper truths about society, morality, and life itself. The following quotes capture Twain’s timeless insight, satire, and unmistakable voice.

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NOT YET RATED▼
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Topic: Life
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Topic: Happiness
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
From Notebook
Topic: Love
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Topic: Life
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Topic: Happiness
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
From Notebook
Topic: Love
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
From Speeches
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Topic: Life
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
Topic: Education
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Topic: Inspirational, Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
From Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Topic: Happiness
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
From Notebook
Topic: Love
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Topic: Inspirational, Relationships
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Topic: Religion
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Topic: Funny
Mark Twain
NOT YET RATED▼
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Religion
Mark Twain
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