Steven Wright Quotes
Actor/Performer
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Steven Wright is celebrated for his deadpan delivery and uniquely absurd sense of humor. His words often take everyday situations and turn them into clever, thought-provoking observations that make us laugh while reflecting on life. The following quotes capture his distinctive wit, insight, and playful perspective on the world.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
