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Terry Pratchett Quotes

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He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn’t happen to you every year.
From Reaper Man
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WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU FEEL WARM AND CONTENT AND WISH THINGS WOULD STAY THAT WAY?
'I guess you'd call it happiness,' said Harga.
From Mort
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The Tezuman Empire in the jungle valleys of central Klatch is known for it organic market gardens, its exquisite craftsmanship in obsidian, feathers and jade, and its mass human sacrifices in honor of Quezovercoatl, the Feathered Boa, god of mass human sacrifices.
From Eric
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Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
From Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
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In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
From Soul Music
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The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
From Wintersmith
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And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
From Hogfather
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The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).
From Small Gods
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Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
From Interesting Times: The Play
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WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED?
From Reaper Man
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It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.
From The Color of Magic
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Humans! They lived in a world where the grass continued to be green and the sun rose every day and flowers regularly turned into fruit, and what impressed them? Weeping statues. And wine made out of water!
From Small Gods
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Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
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HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)
From Hogfather
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Progress just means bad things happen faster.
From Witches Abroad
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Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
From Small Gods
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Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.
From Carpe Jugulum
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You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
From Night Watch
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We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork.
From Small Gods
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Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place.
From Small Gods
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There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been pinching my beer?
And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman's eye.
From The Truth: Stage Adaptation
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I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.
From Sourcery
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Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
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How do you get all those coins?" asked Mort.
IN PAIRS.
From Mort
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He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn’t happen to you every year.
From Reaper Man
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WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU FEEL WARM AND CONTENT AND WISH THINGS WOULD STAY THAT WAY?
'I guess you'd call it happiness,' said Harga.
From Mort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Tezuman Empire in the jungle valleys of central Klatch is known for it organic market gardens, its exquisite craftsmanship in obsidian, feathers and jade, and its mass human sacrifices in honor of Quezovercoatl, the Feathered Boa, god of mass human sacrifices.
From Eric
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Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
From Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
From Soul Music
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The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
From Wintersmith
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And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
From Hogfather
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The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).
From Small Gods
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Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
From Interesting Times: The Play
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WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED?
From Reaper Man
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It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.
From The Color of Magic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humans! They lived in a world where the grass continued to be green and the sun rose every day and flowers regularly turned into fruit, and what impressed them? Weeping statues. And wine made out of water!
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)
From Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
From Witches Abroad
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Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.
From Carpe Jugulum
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
From Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been pinching my beer?
And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman's eye.
From The Truth: Stage Adaptation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.
From Sourcery
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you get all those coins?" asked Mort.
IN PAIRS.
From Mort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn’t happen to you every year.
From Reaper Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU FEEL WARM AND CONTENT AND WISH THINGS WOULD STAY THAT WAY?
'I guess you'd call it happiness,' said Harga.
From Mort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Tezuman Empire in the jungle valleys of central Klatch is known for it organic market gardens, its exquisite craftsmanship in obsidian, feathers and jade, and its mass human sacrifices in honor of Quezovercoatl, the Feathered Boa, god of mass human sacrifices.
From Eric
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
From Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
From Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
From Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
From Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
From Interesting Times: The Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED?
From Reaper Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.
From The Color of Magic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humans! They lived in a world where the grass continued to be green and the sun rose every day and flowers regularly turned into fruit, and what impressed them? Weeping statues. And wine made out of water!
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)
From Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
From Witches Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.
From Carpe Jugulum
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
From Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place.
From Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been pinching my beer?
And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman's eye.
From The Truth: Stage Adaptation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.
From Sourcery
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you get all those coins?" asked Mort.
IN PAIRS.
From Mort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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2
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4
5
 		...