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Terry Pratchett

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Wizards don't believe in gods in the same way that most people don't find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they're there, they know they're there for a purpose, they'd probably agree that they have a place in a well-organised universe, but they wouldn't see the point of believing, of going around saying "O great table, without whom we are as naught." Anyway, either the gods are there whether you believe in them or not, or exist only as a function of the belief, so either way you might as well ignore the whole business and, as it were, eat off your knees.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Ankh-Morpork is a godless city--'
'I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?' said Maladict.
Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. 'Ankh-Morpork is a godawful city', he recovered.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Other people say: hold on, if he's carrying the entire universe in a sack, right, that means he's carrying himself and the sack inside the sack, because the universe contains everything. Including him. And the sack, of course. Which contains him and the sack already. As it were.

To which the reply is: well?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
This book was written using 100% recycled words.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that's a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events -- the oil spilled just there, the safety fence broken just there -- that must also be a miracle. Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.
From Interesting Times
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOMEDAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.

Death took a step backwards.

It was impossible to read expression in Azrael's features.

Death glanced sideways at the servants.

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Life
When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
You say that you people don’t burn folk and sacrifice people anymore, but that’s what true faith would mean, y’see? Sacrificin’ your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin’ the truth of it, workin’ for it, breathin’ the soul of it. That’s religion. Anything else is just . . . is just bein’ nice. And a way of keepin’ in touch with the neighbors.
From Carpe Jugulum
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter's wheel. That's how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn't be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
But…but you can’t treat religion as a sort of buffet, can you? I mean, you can’t say yes please, I’ll have some of the Celestial Paradise and a helping of the Divine Plan but go easy on the kneeling and none of the Prohibition of Images, they give me wind. Its table d´hôte or nothing, otherwise…well, it would be silly.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
From Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
From Maskerade
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wizards don't believe in gods in the same way that most people don't find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they're there, they know they're there for a purpose, they'd probably agree that they have a place in a well-organised universe, but they wouldn't see the point of believing, of going around saying "O great table, without whom we are as naught." Anyway, either the gods are there whether you believe in them or not, or exist only as a function of the belief, so either way you might as well ignore the whole business and, as it were, eat off your knees.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Ankh-Morpork is a godless city--'
'I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?' said Maladict.
Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. 'Ankh-Morpork is a godawful city', he recovered.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Other people say: hold on, if he's carrying the entire universe in a sack, right, that means he's carrying himself and the sack inside the sack, because the universe contains everything. Including him. And the sack, of course. Which contains him and the sack already. As it were.

To which the reply is: well?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
This book was written using 100% recycled words.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that's a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events -- the oil spilled just there, the safety fence broken just there -- that must also be a miracle. Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.
From Interesting Times
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOMEDAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.

Death took a step backwards.

It was impossible to read expression in Azrael's features.

Death glanced sideways at the servants.

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Life
When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
You say that you people don’t burn folk and sacrifice people anymore, but that’s what true faith would mean, y’see? Sacrificin’ your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin’ the truth of it, workin’ for it, breathin’ the soul of it. That’s religion. Anything else is just . . . is just bein’ nice. And a way of keepin’ in touch with the neighbors.
From Carpe Jugulum
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter's wheel. That's how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn't be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
But…but you can’t treat religion as a sort of buffet, can you? I mean, you can’t say yes please, I’ll have some of the Celestial Paradise and a helping of the Divine Plan but go easy on the kneeling and none of the Prohibition of Images, they give me wind. Its table d´hôte or nothing, otherwise…well, it would be silly.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
From Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
From Maskerade
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wizards don't believe in gods in the same way that most people don't find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they're there, they know they're there for a purpose, they'd probably agree that they have a place in a well-organised universe, but they wouldn't see the point of believing, of going around saying "O great table, without whom we are as naught." Anyway, either the gods are there whether you believe in them or not, or exist only as a function of the belief, so either way you might as well ignore the whole business and, as it were, eat off your knees.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Ankh-Morpork is a godless city--'
'I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?' said Maladict.
Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. 'Ankh-Morpork is a godawful city', he recovered.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Other people say: hold on, if he's carrying the entire universe in a sack, right, that means he's carrying himself and the sack inside the sack, because the universe contains everything. Including him. And the sack, of course. Which contains him and the sack already. As it were.

To which the reply is: well?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
This book was written using 100% recycled words.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that's a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events -- the oil spilled just there, the safety fence broken just there -- that must also be a miracle. Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.
From Interesting Times
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOMEDAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.

Death took a step backwards.

It was impossible to read expression in Azrael's features.

Death glanced sideways at the servants.

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Inspirational, Life
When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
You say that you people don’t burn folk and sacrifice people anymore, but that’s what true faith would mean, y’see? Sacrificin’ your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin’ the truth of it, workin’ for it, breathin’ the soul of it. That’s religion. Anything else is just . . . is just bein’ nice. And a way of keepin’ in touch with the neighbors.
From Carpe Jugulum
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter's wheel. That's how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn't be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies.
From Reaper Man
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
But…but you can’t treat religion as a sort of buffet, can you? I mean, you can’t say yes please, I’ll have some of the Celestial Paradise and a helping of the Divine Plan but go easy on the kneeling and none of the Prohibition of Images, they give me wind. Its table d´hôte or nothing, otherwise…well, it would be silly.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
From Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
From Maskerade
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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