TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS
◀ BACK

Terry Pratchett

Writer
1
2
3
4
5
 		...
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
From Thief of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
From Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
From Hogfather
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death, Funny
THERE IS NO JUSTICE" said Death "JUST ME
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
She got on with her education. In her opinion, school kept on trying to interfere with it.
From Soul Music
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
To tell you the truth, I'm something of an atheist.
From The Last Continent
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
She is standing just behind you. Just behind your right shoulder."
In the silence of the woods, Polly turned.
"I can't see her," she said.
"I am happy for you," said Wazzer, handing her the empty mug.
"But I didn't see anything," said Polly.
"No," said Wazzer. "But you turned around...
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!
From Men at Arms
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
From Thud!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
From The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
From The Color of Magic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
From Unseen Academicals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
From Thief of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
From Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
From Hogfather
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death, Funny
THERE IS NO JUSTICE" said Death "JUST ME
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
She got on with her education. In her opinion, school kept on trying to interfere with it.
From Soul Music
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
To tell you the truth, I'm something of an atheist.
From The Last Continent
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
She is standing just behind you. Just behind your right shoulder."
In the silence of the woods, Polly turned.
"I can't see her," she said.
"I am happy for you," said Wazzer, handing her the empty mug.
"But I didn't see anything," said Polly.
"No," said Wazzer. "But you turned around...
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!
From Men at Arms
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
From Thud!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
From The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
From The Color of Magic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
From Unseen Academicals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
From Thief of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
From The Light Fantastic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
From Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
From Going Postal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
From Hogfather
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death, Funny
THERE IS NO JUSTICE" said Death "JUST ME
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Death
She got on with her education. In her opinion, school kept on trying to interfere with it.
From Soul Music
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Education
Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
From Wyrd Sisters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
To tell you the truth, I'm something of an atheist.
From The Last Continent
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
She is standing just behind you. Just behind your right shoulder."
In the silence of the woods, Polly turned.
"I can't see her," she said.
"I am happy for you," said Wazzer, handing her the empty mug.
"But I didn't see anything," said Polly.
"No," said Wazzer. "But you turned around...
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!
From Men at Arms
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Religion
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
From Lords and Ladies
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
From Night Watch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
From Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
From Thud!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
From Jingo
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
From Small Gods
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
From The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
From The Color of Magic
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
From Unseen Academicals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
1
2
3
4
5
 		...