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Woody Allen Quotes

TV/Filmmaker

Woody Allen, renowned filmmaker and writer, has captivated audiences with his distinctive humor, introspective storytelling, and sharp observations on life and relationships. His quotes reflect his wit, creativity, and unique perspective on love, human nature, and the complexities of existence. Together, they offer timeless insights, laughter, and thought-provoking reflections on the human experience.

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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
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There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
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I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
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You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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