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Woody Allen

TV/Filmmaker

Woody Allen, renowned filmmaker and writer, has captivated audiences with his distinctive humor, introspective storytelling, and sharp observations on life and relationships. His quotes reflect his wit, creativity, and unique perspective on love, human nature, and the complexities of existence. Together, they offer timeless insights, laughter, and thought-provoking reflections on the human experience.

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NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Topic: Funny
5.0 ★ ▼
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Topic: Success
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Topic: Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
Topic: Hope
NOT YET RATED ▼
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Topic: Death, Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Topic: Filmmaking
NOT YET RATED ▼
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
Topic: Television
NOT YET RATED ▼
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Topic: Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Topic: Funny
5.0 ★ ▼
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Topic: Success
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Topic: Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
Topic: Hope
NOT YET RATED ▼
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Topic: Death, Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Topic: Filmmaking
NOT YET RATED ▼
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
Topic: Television
NOT YET RATED ▼
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Topic: Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Topic: Funny
5.0 ★ ▼
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Topic: Success
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
From Without Feathers
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Topic: Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
From Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script
Topic: Hope
NOT YET RATED ▼
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
From Annie Hall: Screenplay
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Topic: Death, Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
From The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Topic: Filmmaking
NOT YET RATED ▼
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You see the whole culture (watching television) . . . Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers . . . beauty contests, the talk show . . . Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers . . . third-rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus . . . and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
From Hannah and Her Sisters
Topic: Television
NOT YET RATED ▼
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Topic: Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Topic: Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Topic: Funny, Religion
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