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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Actor/Performer

Jerry Seinfeld is a renowned comedian and writer celebrated for his sharp observations on everyday life. His humor turns ordinary moments into clever insights, revealing the absurdities hidden in the familiar. The following quotes capture Seinfeld’s wit, timing, and distinctive perspective on modern life.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
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The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
From Seinfeld
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The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
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Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
From Seinfeld
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The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
From Seinfeld
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote