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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
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In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.
"I could kiss you!" Chubs cried.
"Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this."
"Amazing at pure suck," Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.'
'Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love.
- Heather Dixon
Entwined
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
- Ellen DeGeneres
The Funny Thing Is...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"

Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes."

"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
- Gena Showalter
Heart of Darkness
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please, touch me, I pray.
- Jess C Scott
The Intern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
- Oscar Wilde
Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."
Ash: "Why not?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Because Jane Austen was a human."
Ash: "How do you know?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you're a chauvinist pig."
Ash: "Yes, well, that I can't argue.
- L. J. Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Autocrat of the Breakfast Table
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
- Cervantes Saavedra
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
- George F. Will
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.
"I could kiss you!" Chubs cried.
"Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this."
"Amazing at pure suck," Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.'
'Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love.
- Heather Dixon
Entwined
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
- Ellen DeGeneres
The Funny Thing Is...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"

Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes."

"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
- Gena Showalter
Heart of Darkness
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please, touch me, I pray.
- Jess C Scott
The Intern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
- Oscar Wilde
Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."
Ash: "Why not?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Because Jane Austen was a human."
Ash: "How do you know?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you're a chauvinist pig."
Ash: "Yes, well, that I can't argue.
- L. J. Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Autocrat of the Breakfast Table
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
- Cervantes Saavedra
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
- George F. Will
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.
"I could kiss you!" Chubs cried.
"Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this."
"Amazing at pure suck," Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.'
'Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love.
- Heather Dixon
Entwined
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
- Ellen DeGeneres
The Funny Thing Is...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"

Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes."

"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
- Gena Showalter
Heart of Darkness
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please, touch me, I pray.
- Jess C Scott
The Intern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
- Oscar Wilde
Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."
Ash: "Why not?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Because Jane Austen was a human."
Ash: "How do you know?"
Mary-Lynnette: "Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you're a chauvinist pig."
Ash: "Yes, well, that I can't argue.
- L. J. Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Autocrat of the Breakfast Table
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
- Cervantes Saavedra
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
- George F. Will
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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73
74
75
76
77
 		...