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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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A great nose may be an index
Of a great soul
- Edmond Rostand
Cyrano de Bergerac
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We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
- David Mamet
Boston Marriage
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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
- Rita Rudner
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Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun."
"Fun" she said unhappily.
"Blue elephants."
"Blue elephants."
"Kiss me you fool."
"You fool.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”
“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.
- Jon Scieszka
Funny Business
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”
Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”
Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."
I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"
I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.
I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.
Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.
At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.
I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.
We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"
Not if you want to keep breathing.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Avenged
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
- Chris Rock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You smell good," he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled.
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.”
I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.
No?”
Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.
- Nicholas Sparks
The Last Song
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
- Terry Pratchett
Witches Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
- A.J. Jacobs
The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, but the lost diadem," said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is lost, Luna. That's sort of the point.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.
- Karen Moning
Faefever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?
- Jess C. Scott
I'm Pretty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A great nose may be an index
Of a great soul
- Edmond Rostand
Cyrano de Bergerac
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
- David Mamet
Boston Marriage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun."
"Fun" she said unhappily.
"Blue elephants."
"Blue elephants."
"Kiss me you fool."
"You fool.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”
“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.
- Jon Scieszka
Funny Business
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”
Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”
Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."
I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"
I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.
I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.
Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.
At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.
I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.
We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"
Not if you want to keep breathing.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Avenged
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
- Chris Rock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You smell good," he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled.
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.”
I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.
No?”
Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.
- Nicholas Sparks
The Last Song
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
- Terry Pratchett
Witches Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
- A.J. Jacobs
The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, but the lost diadem," said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is lost, Luna. That's sort of the point.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.
- Karen Moning
Faefever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?
- Jess C. Scott
I'm Pretty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A great nose may be an index
Of a great soul
- Edmond Rostand
Cyrano de Bergerac
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
- David Mamet
Boston Marriage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun."
"Fun" she said unhappily.
"Blue elephants."
"Blue elephants."
"Kiss me you fool."
"You fool.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”
“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.
- Jon Scieszka
Funny Business
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”
Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”
Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."
I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"
I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.
I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.
Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.
At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.
I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.
We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"
Not if you want to keep breathing.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Avenged
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
- Chris Rock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You smell good," he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled.
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.”
I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.
No?”
Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.
- Nicholas Sparks
The Last Song
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
- Terry Pratchett
Witches Abroad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
- A.J. Jacobs
The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, but the lost diadem," said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is lost, Luna. That's sort of the point.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.
- Karen Moning
Faefever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?
- Jess C. Scott
I'm Pretty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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71
72
73
74
75
 		...