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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
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I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
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Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
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Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
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Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.
- Anna Godbersen
Splendor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry.

"That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.
- Joseph Heller
Catch-22
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.
- Hugh MacLeod
Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
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The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.
"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.
"Make Harry get it."
"Get the mail, Harry."
"Make Dudley get it."
"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
- Richard Pryor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."
SMASH!
"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”
“Tempting,” Percy called down.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.
- Anna Godbersen
Splendor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry.

"That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.
- Joseph Heller
Catch-22
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.
- Hugh MacLeod
Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.
"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.
"Make Harry get it."
"Get the mail, Harry."
"Make Dudley get it."
"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
- Richard Pryor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."
SMASH!
"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”
“Tempting,” Percy called down.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.
- Anna Godbersen
Splendor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry.

"That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.
- Joseph Heller
Catch-22
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.
- Hugh MacLeod
Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.
"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.
"Make Harry get it."
"Get the mail, Harry."
"Make Dudley get it."
"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
- Richard Pryor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."
SMASH!
"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”
“Tempting,” Percy called down.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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72
73
74
75
76
 		...