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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
- Brandon Mull
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Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.
- John C. Maxwell
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Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
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How are you feeling?"
I leaned away from him. "Gross."
Aiden frowned. "Gross?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."
He laughed. "Alex, come on."
"Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."
I stared at him. He must not get out much.
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Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
- Shannon Hale
The Goose Girl
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And empty words are evil.
- Homer
The Odyssey
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If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
- George Deacon
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Millard! Who's the prime minister?"

"Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?"

"What's the capital of Burma?"

"Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?"

"Good! When's your birthday?"

"Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
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We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
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Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Bagombo Snuff Box
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Tut, Tut, looks like rain
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In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.
- J.G. Ballard
Running Wild
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What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?"
"Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.
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Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war."
"The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
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Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
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At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W.C. Fields
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A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.
- Anne Rice
The Vampire Lestat
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People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
- Bill Hicks
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People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?
“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
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Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
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Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
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I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
- Brandon Mull
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.
- John C. Maxwell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How are you feeling?"
I leaned away from him. "Gross."
Aiden frowned. "Gross?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."
He laughed. "Alex, come on."
"Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."
I stared at him. He must not get out much.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
- Shannon Hale
The Goose Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And empty words are evil.
- Homer
The Odyssey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
- George Deacon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Millard! Who's the prime minister?"

"Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?"

"What's the capital of Burma?"

"Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?"

"Good! When's your birthday?"

"Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Bagombo Snuff Box
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tut, Tut, looks like rain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.
- J.G. Ballard
Running Wild
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?"
"Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war."
"The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W.C. Fields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.
- Anne Rice
The Vampire Lestat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?
“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
- Brandon Mull
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.
- John C. Maxwell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How are you feeling?"
I leaned away from him. "Gross."
Aiden frowned. "Gross?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."
He laughed. "Alex, come on."
"Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."
I stared at him. He must not get out much.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
- Shannon Hale
The Goose Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And empty words are evil.
- Homer
The Odyssey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
- George Deacon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Millard! Who's the prime minister?"

"Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?"

"What's the capital of Burma?"

"Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?"

"Good! When's your birthday?"

"Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Bagombo Snuff Box
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tut, Tut, looks like rain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.
- J.G. Ballard
Running Wild
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?"
"Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war."
"The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W.C. Fields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.
- Anne Rice
The Vampire Lestat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?
“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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77
78
79
80
 		...