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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires
- Jodi Picoult
My Sister's Keeper
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You used nunchucks on a moose?"
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
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Do you know how many grand romances would have avoided tragedy if the hero had thought, "You know, maybe I should ask her if she likes me first"?
- Brandon Sanderson
Tress of the Emerald Sea
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The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:
'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
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Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?

Waxilliam: Why?

Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers while people bring you food and maids rub your toes and stuff.

Waxilliam: And?

Wayne: And I just couldn't leave you to a fate like that...I'm too good a friend to let a mate of mine die in such a terrible situation.

Waxilliam: Comfortable?

Wayne: No. Boring.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
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There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair." (Alexander Hamilton, to Thomas Jefferson)
- Alexander Hamilton
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Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
- Darynda Jones
Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
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What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
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What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.
- Wendelin Van Draanen
Flipped
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Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
- Rita Davenport
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We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
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THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
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And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
- Kristin Hannah
Firefly Lane
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Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.
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Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."

She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.

"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.
- Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Match Me If You Can
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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I feel an almost overwhelming interest in the methods of daylight abduction employed by the modern youth.
- Georgette Heyer
Devil's Cub
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I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.
He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”
Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Strikes
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A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
- Vladimir Nabokov
Laughter in the Dark
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What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.
- Jim Beaver
Life's That Way
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Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”
Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Besides everything, I mean,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Fade Out
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Excruciating agony makes me cranky.
- Brandon Mull
Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires
- Jodi Picoult
My Sister's Keeper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You used nunchucks on a moose?"
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know how many grand romances would have avoided tragedy if the hero had thought, "You know, maybe I should ask her if she likes me first"?
- Brandon Sanderson
Tress of the Emerald Sea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:
'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?

Waxilliam: Why?

Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers while people bring you food and maids rub your toes and stuff.

Waxilliam: And?

Wayne: And I just couldn't leave you to a fate like that...I'm too good a friend to let a mate of mine die in such a terrible situation.

Waxilliam: Comfortable?

Wayne: No. Boring.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair." (Alexander Hamilton, to Thomas Jefferson)
- Alexander Hamilton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
- Darynda Jones
Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.
- Wendelin Van Draanen
Flipped
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
- Rita Davenport
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
- Kristin Hannah
Firefly Lane
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."

She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.

"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.
- Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Match Me If You Can
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel an almost overwhelming interest in the methods of daylight abduction employed by the modern youth.
- Georgette Heyer
Devil's Cub
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.
He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”
Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Strikes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
- Vladimir Nabokov
Laughter in the Dark
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.
- Jim Beaver
Life's That Way
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”
Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Besides everything, I mean,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Fade Out
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Excruciating agony makes me cranky.
- Brandon Mull
Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires
- Jodi Picoult
My Sister's Keeper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You used nunchucks on a moose?"
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know how many grand romances would have avoided tragedy if the hero had thought, "You know, maybe I should ask her if she likes me first"?
- Brandon Sanderson
Tress of the Emerald Sea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:
'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?

Waxilliam: Why?

Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers while people bring you food and maids rub your toes and stuff.

Waxilliam: And?

Wayne: And I just couldn't leave you to a fate like that...I'm too good a friend to let a mate of mine die in such a terrible situation.

Waxilliam: Comfortable?

Wayne: No. Boring.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair." (Alexander Hamilton, to Thomas Jefferson)
- Alexander Hamilton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
- Darynda Jones
Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.
- Wendelin Van Draanen
Flipped
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
- Rita Davenport
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
- Kristin Hannah
Firefly Lane
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."

She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.

"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.
- Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Match Me If You Can
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel an almost overwhelming interest in the methods of daylight abduction employed by the modern youth.
- Georgette Heyer
Devil's Cub
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.
He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”
Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Strikes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
- Vladimir Nabokov
Laughter in the Dark
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.
- Jim Beaver
Life's That Way
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”
Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Besides everything, I mean,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Fade Out
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Excruciating agony makes me cranky.
- Brandon Mull
Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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