FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
- Wodehouse
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
- Josh Billings
I can resist everything except temptation.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
- Luis Bunuel
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
- Jerome K. Jerome
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Jules Renard
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken
My life needs editing.
- Mort Sahl
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
- Jean de la Bruyere
Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- Unknown
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
- Tim Allen
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
- Tommy Cooper
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
- Wodehouse
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
- Josh Billings
I can resist everything except temptation.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
- Luis Bunuel
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
- Jerome K. Jerome
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Jules Renard
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken
My life needs editing.
- Mort Sahl
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
- Jean de la Bruyere
Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- Unknown
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
- Tim Allen
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
- Tommy Cooper
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
- Wodehouse
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
- Josh Billings
I can resist everything except temptation.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
- Luis Bunuel
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
- Jerome K. Jerome
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Jules Renard
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken
My life needs editing.
- Mort Sahl
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
- Jean de la Bruyere
Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- Unknown
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
- Tim Allen
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
- Tommy Cooper
