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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.
- Shelly Laurenston
Pack Challenge
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Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
- Jonathan Morris
Doctor Who: Touched By An Angel
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Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
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She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...
- Michelle Herman
Dog
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How would you feel about sharing your bed?" she asked.
Tristan blinked. "Excuse me?"
"He'd love to!" Gary said.
Tristan shot him a look,
"Good," said Ivy, failing to notice Gary's wink. "Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.
- Elizabeth Chandler
Kissed by an Angel/The Power of Love/Soulmates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Where are you going?"
"Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do."
"Why did you pause?'
"I'm sorry?"
"You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'
"No reason, I just--"
"You're up to something."
"No--"
"Then why'd you pause?"
"Get in the car."
She got in. He got in.
"Seat belt," he said.
Why'd you pause?"
His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."
"And why can't I come with you?"
"Because it's something sneaky."
"Do you promise to tell me later?"
"I do."
"Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. "A miracle," he said. "You got him to speak."
"Just to shout at me, really," said Tessa. "Not quite loaves and fishes.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We were just looking at maps...
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun."
..."He's the Akron AWOL?!
- Neal Shusterman
Unwind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
- Terry Pratchett
Unseen Academicals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.
- Edith Wharton
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Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster
- Stephen King
Desperation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not really hungry."
"She’ll eat." Pritkin said curtly.
"I said —"
"If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation."
"I eat plenty."
"The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however."
"I’ll have a sandwich," I told Nick. "No meat.
- Karen Chance
Embrace the Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idiot admires complexity, a genius admires simplicity, a physicist tries to make it simple, for an idiot anything the more complicated it is the more he will admire it, if you make something so clusterfucked he can't understand it he's gonna think you're a god cause you made it so complicated nobody can understand it. That's how they write journals in Academics, they try to make it so complicated people think you're a genius
- Terry Davis, Creator of Temple OS
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Burn you, Nerim, that's a leg not a bloody side of beef!"
"As my lord says," Nerim murmured. "My lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my lord, for instructing me.
- Robert Jordan
Lord of Chaos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
- Jefferson Smith
Strange Places
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."
Wayne: "It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that hat."
Marasi frowned. "I ... I'm not sure I know how to respond."
Wax: "That's a common reaction to Wayne."
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.
- Shelly Laurenston
Pack Challenge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
- Jonathan Morris
Doctor Who: Touched By An Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...
- Michelle Herman
Dog
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How would you feel about sharing your bed?" she asked.
Tristan blinked. "Excuse me?"
"He'd love to!" Gary said.
Tristan shot him a look,
"Good," said Ivy, failing to notice Gary's wink. "Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.
- Elizabeth Chandler
Kissed by an Angel/The Power of Love/Soulmates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Where are you going?"
"Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do."
"Why did you pause?'
"I'm sorry?"
"You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'
"No reason, I just--"
"You're up to something."
"No--"
"Then why'd you pause?"
"Get in the car."
She got in. He got in.
"Seat belt," he said.
Why'd you pause?"
His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."
"And why can't I come with you?"
"Because it's something sneaky."
"Do you promise to tell me later?"
"I do."
"Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. "A miracle," he said. "You got him to speak."
"Just to shout at me, really," said Tessa. "Not quite loaves and fishes.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We were just looking at maps...
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun."
..."He's the Akron AWOL?!
- Neal Shusterman
Unwind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
- Terry Pratchett
Unseen Academicals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.
- Edith Wharton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster
- Stephen King
Desperation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not really hungry."
"She’ll eat." Pritkin said curtly.
"I said —"
"If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation."
"I eat plenty."
"The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however."
"I’ll have a sandwich," I told Nick. "No meat.
- Karen Chance
Embrace the Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idiot admires complexity, a genius admires simplicity, a physicist tries to make it simple, for an idiot anything the more complicated it is the more he will admire it, if you make something so clusterfucked he can't understand it he's gonna think you're a god cause you made it so complicated nobody can understand it. That's how they write journals in Academics, they try to make it so complicated people think you're a genius
- Terry Davis, Creator of Temple OS
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Burn you, Nerim, that's a leg not a bloody side of beef!"
"As my lord says," Nerim murmured. "My lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my lord, for instructing me.
- Robert Jordan
Lord of Chaos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
- Jefferson Smith
Strange Places
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."
Wayne: "It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that hat."
Marasi frowned. "I ... I'm not sure I know how to respond."
Wax: "That's a common reaction to Wayne."
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.
- Shelly Laurenston
Pack Challenge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
- Jonathan Morris
Doctor Who: Touched By An Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...
- Michelle Herman
Dog
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How would you feel about sharing your bed?" she asked.
Tristan blinked. "Excuse me?"
"He'd love to!" Gary said.
Tristan shot him a look,
"Good," said Ivy, failing to notice Gary's wink. "Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.
- Elizabeth Chandler
Kissed by an Angel/The Power of Love/Soulmates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Where are you going?"
"Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do."
"Why did you pause?'
"I'm sorry?"
"You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'
"No reason, I just--"
"You're up to something."
"No--"
"Then why'd you pause?"
"Get in the car."
She got in. He got in.
"Seat belt," he said.
Why'd you pause?"
His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."
"And why can't I come with you?"
"Because it's something sneaky."
"Do you promise to tell me later?"
"I do."
"Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. "A miracle," he said. "You got him to speak."
"Just to shout at me, really," said Tessa. "Not quite loaves and fishes.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We were just looking at maps...
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun."
..."He's the Akron AWOL?!
- Neal Shusterman
Unwind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
- Terry Pratchett
Unseen Academicals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.
- Edith Wharton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster
- Stephen King
Desperation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not really hungry."
"She’ll eat." Pritkin said curtly.
"I said —"
"If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation."
"I eat plenty."
"The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however."
"I’ll have a sandwich," I told Nick. "No meat.
- Karen Chance
Embrace the Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idiot admires complexity, a genius admires simplicity, a physicist tries to make it simple, for an idiot anything the more complicated it is the more he will admire it, if you make something so clusterfucked he can't understand it he's gonna think you're a god cause you made it so complicated nobody can understand it. That's how they write journals in Academics, they try to make it so complicated people think you're a genius
- Terry Davis, Creator of Temple OS
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Burn you, Nerim, that's a leg not a bloody side of beef!"
"As my lord says," Nerim murmured. "My lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my lord, for instructing me.
- Robert Jordan
Lord of Chaos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
- Jefferson Smith
Strange Places
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."
Wayne: "It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that hat."
Marasi frowned. "I ... I'm not sure I know how to respond."
Wax: "That's a common reaction to Wayne."
- Brandon Sanderson
The Alloy of Law
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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27
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