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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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There must be a mistake," I said.
He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?
- Chelsea M. Cameron
My Favorite Mistake
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I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."
"What! How long has it been?"
"Five minutes. I got bored.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Golem's Eye
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"How do you deal with it?" Kami asked Jared. "The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks."
"I have a system where when I stop, I lean casually against something," Jared told her. "It makes people think I'm a bad boy. Or possibly that I have a bad back."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
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I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
- Amy Summers
I Had a Dream About You
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BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...
- Tite Kubo
Bleach, Vol. 1
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Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
- Terry Pratchett
The Color of Magic
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"That caravan looks as if it’s all Vorin. Also, you look a little spindly for a Horneater.”
“Did you just insult the princess’s weight?” Tyn asked, aghast.
Storms! She was good. She actually managed to produce angerspren with the remark.
Well, nothing to do but soldier on.
“I am offend!” Shallan yelled.
“You have offended Her Highness again!”
“Very offend!”
“You’d better apologize.”
“No apologize!” Shallan declared. “Boots!"
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.
- Martin Amis
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Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.
- Nora Roberts
High Noon
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Easy. Peasy
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.
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And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.
- Meg Cabot
Shadowland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
- Did you really save the world ?...
- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
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I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out. But pompous fools – guys who are fools and covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus – THAT, I CANNOT STAND! An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible!
- Richard P. Feynman
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Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
- Julia Child
My Life in France
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you doing?"
"Ya!" said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly.
It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin's window.
"Um, did I just say, 'Ya'?"
"You just said 'Ya,'" he confirmed. "If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.
I, uh..." She stopped to laugh. "I wasn't aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.
- Shannon Hale
Austenland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out."

Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.

Dang, I'm good.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I realized then what had happened.

She had turned us--all of us, except for Mouse--into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.

Wonderful!" Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. "Come, children!" And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.

A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another.

And Mouse said, in what sounded to me like perfectly understandable English, "That bitch.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch."
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you mad?" I ask.
"I was." He glances at the ceiling then back at me. "Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I'd finally met a guy at Underwood I could relate to, and it turns out he wasn't a guy at all."
I swallow. "I can see how that would be weird."
"In a way though, I was relieved."
"Relieved?" I echo. "Why?"
He looks around embarrased. "Let's just say you had me questioning my sexual orientation.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."
-Bobby Pendragon
- D.J. MacHale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are all a lost generation," Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.
- James Thurber
Selected Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There must be a mistake," I said.
He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?
- Chelsea M. Cameron
My Favorite Mistake
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."
"What! How long has it been?"
"Five minutes. I got bored.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Golem's Eye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"How do you deal with it?" Kami asked Jared. "The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks."
"I have a system where when I stop, I lean casually against something," Jared told her. "It makes people think I'm a bad boy. Or possibly that I have a bad back."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
- Amy Summers
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...
- Tite Kubo
Bleach, Vol. 1
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
- Terry Pratchett
The Color of Magic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"That caravan looks as if it’s all Vorin. Also, you look a little spindly for a Horneater.”
“Did you just insult the princess’s weight?” Tyn asked, aghast.
Storms! She was good. She actually managed to produce angerspren with the remark.
Well, nothing to do but soldier on.
“I am offend!” Shallan yelled.
“You have offended Her Highness again!”
“Very offend!”
“You’d better apologize.”
“No apologize!” Shallan declared. “Boots!"
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.
- Martin Amis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.
- Nora Roberts
High Noon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Easy. Peasy
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.
- Meg Cabot
Shadowland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
- Did you really save the world ?...
- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out. But pompous fools – guys who are fools and covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus – THAT, I CANNOT STAND! An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible!
- Richard P. Feynman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
- Julia Child
My Life in France
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you doing?"
"Ya!" said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly.
It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin's window.
"Um, did I just say, 'Ya'?"
"You just said 'Ya,'" he confirmed. "If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.
I, uh..." She stopped to laugh. "I wasn't aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.
- Shannon Hale
Austenland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out."

Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.

Dang, I'm good.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I realized then what had happened.

She had turned us--all of us, except for Mouse--into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.

Wonderful!" Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. "Come, children!" And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.

A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another.

And Mouse said, in what sounded to me like perfectly understandable English, "That bitch.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch."
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you mad?" I ask.
"I was." He glances at the ceiling then back at me. "Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I'd finally met a guy at Underwood I could relate to, and it turns out he wasn't a guy at all."
I swallow. "I can see how that would be weird."
"In a way though, I was relieved."
"Relieved?" I echo. "Why?"
He looks around embarrased. "Let's just say you had me questioning my sexual orientation.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."
-Bobby Pendragon
- D.J. MacHale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are all a lost generation," Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.
- James Thurber
Selected Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There must be a mistake," I said.
He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?
- Chelsea M. Cameron
My Favorite Mistake
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."
"What! How long has it been?"
"Five minutes. I got bored.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Golem's Eye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"How do you deal with it?" Kami asked Jared. "The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks."
"I have a system where when I stop, I lean casually against something," Jared told her. "It makes people think I'm a bad boy. Or possibly that I have a bad back."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
- Amy Summers
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...
- Tite Kubo
Bleach, Vol. 1
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
- Terry Pratchett
The Color of Magic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"That caravan looks as if it’s all Vorin. Also, you look a little spindly for a Horneater.”
“Did you just insult the princess’s weight?” Tyn asked, aghast.
Storms! She was good. She actually managed to produce angerspren with the remark.
Well, nothing to do but soldier on.
“I am offend!” Shallan yelled.
“You have offended Her Highness again!”
“Very offend!”
“You’d better apologize.”
“No apologize!” Shallan declared. “Boots!"
- Brandon Sanderson
Words of Radiance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.
- Martin Amis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.
- Nora Roberts
High Noon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Easy. Peasy
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.
- Meg Cabot
Shadowland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
- Did you really save the world ?...
- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out. But pompous fools – guys who are fools and covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus – THAT, I CANNOT STAND! An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible!
- Richard P. Feynman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
- Julia Child
My Life in France
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you doing?"
"Ya!" said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly.
It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin's window.
"Um, did I just say, 'Ya'?"
"You just said 'Ya,'" he confirmed. "If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.
I, uh..." She stopped to laugh. "I wasn't aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.
- Shannon Hale
Austenland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out."

Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.

Dang, I'm good.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I realized then what had happened.

She had turned us--all of us, except for Mouse--into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.

Wonderful!" Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. "Come, children!" And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.

A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another.

And Mouse said, in what sounded to me like perfectly understandable English, "That bitch.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch."
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you mad?" I ask.
"I was." He glances at the ceiling then back at me. "Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I'd finally met a guy at Underwood I could relate to, and it turns out he wasn't a guy at all."
I swallow. "I can see how that would be weird."
"In a way though, I was relieved."
"Relieved?" I echo. "Why?"
He looks around embarrased. "Let's just say you had me questioning my sexual orientation.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."
-Bobby Pendragon
- D.J. MacHale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are all a lost generation," Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.
- James Thurber
Selected Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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25
26
27
28
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