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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
- George Carlin
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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It has often been said
there’s so much to be read,
you never can cram
all those words in your head.

So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads.

That's why my belief is
the briefer the brief is,
the greater the sigh
of the reader's relief is.

And that's why your books
have such power and strength.
You publish with shorth!
(Shorth is better than length.)
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They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
- Bill Hicks
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods."
I hesitated. "Any gift?"
Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time."
I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?"
Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever."
"Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
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How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline.
"I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave."
"Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline.
"Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
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It's okay," I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."
She groaned. "The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
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Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.
- They Might Be Giants
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Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles
- Rowena Cherry
Knight's Fork
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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
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You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
- Georgette Heyer
Powder and Patch
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I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, 'BAD DOG!'

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me....

"You know," someone said off to my left, "I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling 'Bad dog,' but maybe that's just me.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
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A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
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But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
- Carl Sagan
Broca's Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
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Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
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Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
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Any fool can make a rule
And any fool will mind it.
- Henry David Thoreau
Journal #14
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Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
- Robert E. Howard
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And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Mother Night
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Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
- Neal Stephenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?

A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work!

BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
- George Carlin
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has often been said
there’s so much to be read,
you never can cram
all those words in your head.

So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads.

That's why my belief is
the briefer the brief is,
the greater the sigh
of the reader's relief is.

And that's why your books
have such power and strength.
You publish with shorth!
(Shorth is better than length.)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods."
I hesitated. "Any gift?"
Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time."
I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?"
Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever."
"Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline.
"I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave."
"Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline.
"Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's okay," I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."
She groaned. "The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.
- They Might Be Giants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles
- Rowena Cherry
Knight's Fork
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
- Georgette Heyer
Powder and Patch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, 'BAD DOG!'

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me....

"You know," someone said off to my left, "I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling 'Bad dog,' but maybe that's just me.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
- Carl Sagan
Broca's Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any fool can make a rule
And any fool will mind it.
- Henry David Thoreau
Journal #14
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
- Robert E. Howard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Mother Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
- Neal Stephenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?

A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work!

BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
- George Carlin
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has often been said
there’s so much to be read,
you never can cram
all those words in your head.

So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads.

That's why my belief is
the briefer the brief is,
the greater the sigh
of the reader's relief is.

And that's why your books
have such power and strength.
You publish with shorth!
(Shorth is better than length.)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods."
I hesitated. "Any gift?"
Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time."
I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?"
Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever."
"Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline.
"I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave."
"Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline.
"Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's okay," I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."
She groaned. "The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.
- They Might Be Giants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles
- Rowena Cherry
Knight's Fork
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
- Georgette Heyer
Powder and Patch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I actually managed to yell at the werewolf as he ran at me were, 'BAD DOG!'

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blue light on my left. Suddenly, the werewolf seemed to smack into an invisible wall just inches in front of me....

"You know," someone said off to my left, "I usually find a blocking spell to be a lot more effective than yelling 'Bad dog,' but maybe that's just me.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
- Carl Sagan
Broca's Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any fool can make a rule
And any fool will mind it.
- Henry David Thoreau
Journal #14
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
- Robert E. Howard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Mother Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
- Neal Stephenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?

A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work!

BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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30
31
32
33
34
 		...