TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
32
33
34
35
36
 		...
Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'

'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'

'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'

'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.
- Arthur Conan Doyle
Silver Blaze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you any good at it?"
"Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days--that was sad.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Laughter is carbonated holiness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
- Warren Ellis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
- Lemony Snicket
The Bad Beginning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
- Eric Idle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
- Montaigne
The Complete Essays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as "Is this the laundry?" "How do you spell surreptitious?" and, on a regular basis, "Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m nobody’s sidekick,” Annabeth growled. “And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey.”
Percy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that accent isn’t New Jersey. Who’s his—? Oh.”
It all fell into place. Aunty Em’s Garden Gnome Emporium—the lair of Medusa. She’d talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her head.
“Medusa is your mom?” he asked. “Dude, that sucks for you.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard.
- Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid’s Tale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H.L. Mencken
Minority Report
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Well? Is it true? Did she?"
"Did she what?"
"You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?"
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'

'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'

'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'

'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.
- Arthur Conan Doyle
Silver Blaze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you any good at it?"
"Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days--that was sad.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Laughter is carbonated holiness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
- Warren Ellis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
- Lemony Snicket
The Bad Beginning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
- Eric Idle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
- Montaigne
The Complete Essays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as "Is this the laundry?" "How do you spell surreptitious?" and, on a regular basis, "Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m nobody’s sidekick,” Annabeth growled. “And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey.”
Percy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that accent isn’t New Jersey. Who’s his—? Oh.”
It all fell into place. Aunty Em’s Garden Gnome Emporium—the lair of Medusa. She’d talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her head.
“Medusa is your mom?” he asked. “Dude, that sucks for you.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard.
- Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid’s Tale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H.L. Mencken
Minority Report
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Well? Is it true? Did she?"
"Did she what?"
"You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?"
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'

'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'

'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'

'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.
- Arthur Conan Doyle
Silver Blaze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you any good at it?"
"Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days--that was sad.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Laughter is carbonated holiness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
- Warren Ellis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
- Lemony Snicket
The Bad Beginning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
- Eric Idle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
- Montaigne
The Complete Essays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as "Is this the laundry?" "How do you spell surreptitious?" and, on a regular basis, "Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m nobody’s sidekick,” Annabeth growled. “And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey.”
Percy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that accent isn’t New Jersey. Who’s his—? Oh.”
It all fell into place. Aunty Em’s Garden Gnome Emporium—the lair of Medusa. She’d talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her head.
“Medusa is your mom?” he asked. “Dude, that sucks for you.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard.
- Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid’s Tale
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H.L. Mencken
Minority Report
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Well? Is it true? Did she?"
"Did she what?"
"You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?"
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
32
33
34
35
36
 		...