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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.”
“No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor."
Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“
Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries."
I opened my eyes wide. "No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the
Lord's work and all.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?
- P.C. Cast, Kristin Cast
Tempted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.
- Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.

"What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?"

"You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?
- Salvador Dalí
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.
'Mum! I can't give a professor love!'
'But you know Neville-'
James rolled his eyes.
'Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him love....
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Do you answer a question directly?"
"Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again"
- Leigh Bardugo
Siege and Storm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely."
"Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have to return some videotapes
- Bret Easton Ellis
American Psycho
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have something on your neck.
What
Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway?
Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head.
And ran into a vampire
What? No! I fell.
On your neck?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When in doubt, look intelligent.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
- James A. Michener
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."
Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep.
I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling.
"He dreams about food," he said. "A lot.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.”
“No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor."
Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“
Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries."
I opened my eyes wide. "No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the
Lord's work and all.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?
- P.C. Cast, Kristin Cast
Tempted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.
- Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.

"What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?"

"You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?
- Salvador Dalí
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.
'Mum! I can't give a professor love!'
'But you know Neville-'
James rolled his eyes.
'Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him love....
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Do you answer a question directly?"
"Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again"
- Leigh Bardugo
Siege and Storm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely."
"Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have to return some videotapes
- Bret Easton Ellis
American Psycho
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have something on your neck.
What
Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway?
Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head.
And ran into a vampire
What? No! I fell.
On your neck?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When in doubt, look intelligent.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
- James A. Michener
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."
Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep.
I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling.
"He dreams about food," he said. "A lot.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.”
“No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor."
Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“
Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries."
I opened my eyes wide. "No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the
Lord's work and all.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?
- P.C. Cast, Kristin Cast
Tempted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.
- Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.

"What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?"

"You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?
- Salvador Dalí
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.
'Mum! I can't give a professor love!'
'But you know Neville-'
James rolled his eyes.
'Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him love....
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Do you answer a question directly?"
"Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again"
- Leigh Bardugo
Siege and Storm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely."
"Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have to return some videotapes
- Bret Easton Ellis
American Psycho
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have something on your neck.
What
Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway?
Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head.
And ran into a vampire
What? No! I fell.
On your neck?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When in doubt, look intelligent.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
- James A. Michener
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."
Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep.
I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling.
"He dreams about food," he said. "A lot.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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