TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
79
80
81
82
83
 		...
No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?
--Poirot
- Agatha Christie
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.
- John Ruskin
The Elements of Drawing
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
- Jess Rothenberg
The Catastrophic History of You and Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.
- Euripides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've missed you, Sebastian."

"Have you, love?" He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. "What part did you miss the most?"

"Your mind," she said, and smiled at his expression.

"I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that."

"Your mind is depraved," she told him solemnly.

He gave a husky laugh. "True.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version --
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine...
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.
- Suzy Toronto
The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says.
'Done,' I say.
'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.
'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone.
'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.'
(Katniss and Boggs)
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!”

He froze. “I might let you.”

“I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.
- Nalini Singh
Kiss of Snow
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life must go on; I forget just why.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.
- Raymond Chandler
The Big Sleep
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times..."-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean..." fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor..."Yuki
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, Harry Potter!” said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. “And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!”
“There won’t be any need for that,” said Harry hastily.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials," said Will. "And I do wish she wouldn't sing about poisoning just after we've eaten.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's under duress," Peaseblossom said.
"I don't care if she's under duress, over it, or alongside it," Moth said. "Nothing in this world supersedes cake.
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. "Lord Varys," he said from the saddle, "sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King's Landing and sometimes I feel you are my worst enemy."

"How odd. I think quite the same of you.
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a typical college romance novel, he'd be a gorgeous but troubled sex god who'd cure all my deep-seated psych issues with a good hard fuck. I'd smell his misogyny and abusive tendencies from miles off but my brain would turn to hormone soup because abs. That's the formula. Broken girl + bad boy = sexual healing. All you need to fix that tragic past is a six-pack. More problems? Add abs.

It's Magic Dick Lit.
- Leah Raeder
Black Iris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.
- Hieronymus Hawkes
Effacement
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?
--Poirot
- Agatha Christie
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.
- John Ruskin
The Elements of Drawing
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
- Jess Rothenberg
The Catastrophic History of You and Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.
- Euripides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've missed you, Sebastian."

"Have you, love?" He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. "What part did you miss the most?"

"Your mind," she said, and smiled at his expression.

"I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that."

"Your mind is depraved," she told him solemnly.

He gave a husky laugh. "True.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version --
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine...
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.
- Suzy Toronto
The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says.
'Done,' I say.
'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.
'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone.
'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.'
(Katniss and Boggs)
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!”

He froze. “I might let you.”

“I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.
- Nalini Singh
Kiss of Snow
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life must go on; I forget just why.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.
- Raymond Chandler
The Big Sleep
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times..."-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean..." fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor..."Yuki
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, Harry Potter!” said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. “And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!”
“There won’t be any need for that,” said Harry hastily.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials," said Will. "And I do wish she wouldn't sing about poisoning just after we've eaten.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's under duress," Peaseblossom said.
"I don't care if she's under duress, over it, or alongside it," Moth said. "Nothing in this world supersedes cake.
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. "Lord Varys," he said from the saddle, "sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King's Landing and sometimes I feel you are my worst enemy."

"How odd. I think quite the same of you.
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a typical college romance novel, he'd be a gorgeous but troubled sex god who'd cure all my deep-seated psych issues with a good hard fuck. I'd smell his misogyny and abusive tendencies from miles off but my brain would turn to hormone soup because abs. That's the formula. Broken girl + bad boy = sexual healing. All you need to fix that tragic past is a six-pack. More problems? Add abs.

It's Magic Dick Lit.
- Leah Raeder
Black Iris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.
- Hieronymus Hawkes
Effacement
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?
--Poirot
- Agatha Christie
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.
- John Ruskin
The Elements of Drawing
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
- Jess Rothenberg
The Catastrophic History of You and Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.
- Euripides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've missed you, Sebastian."

"Have you, love?" He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. "What part did you miss the most?"

"Your mind," she said, and smiled at his expression.

"I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that."

"Your mind is depraved," she told him solemnly.

He gave a husky laugh. "True.
- Lisa Kleypas
A Wallflower Christmas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version --
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine...
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.
- Suzy Toronto
The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says.
'Done,' I say.
'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.
'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone.
'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.'
(Katniss and Boggs)
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!”

He froze. “I might let you.”

“I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.
- Nalini Singh
Kiss of Snow
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life must go on; I forget just why.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.
- Raymond Chandler
The Big Sleep
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times..."-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean..." fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor..."Yuki
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, Harry Potter!” said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. “And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!”
“There won’t be any need for that,” said Harry hastily.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials," said Will. "And I do wish she wouldn't sing about poisoning just after we've eaten.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's under duress," Peaseblossom said.
"I don't care if she's under duress, over it, or alongside it," Moth said. "Nothing in this world supersedes cake.
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. "Lord Varys," he said from the saddle, "sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King's Landing and sometimes I feel you are my worst enemy."

"How odd. I think quite the same of you.
- George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a typical college romance novel, he'd be a gorgeous but troubled sex god who'd cure all my deep-seated psych issues with a good hard fuck. I'd smell his misogyny and abusive tendencies from miles off but my brain would turn to hormone soup because abs. That's the formula. Broken girl + bad boy = sexual healing. All you need to fix that tragic past is a six-pack. More problems? Add abs.

It's Magic Dick Lit.
- Leah Raeder
Black Iris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.
- Hieronymus Hawkes
Effacement
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
79
80
81
82
83
 		...