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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back

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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
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The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
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I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
- Warren Buffett
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
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All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
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Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
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The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
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I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
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Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
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My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
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All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
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If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
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The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
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An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
- Warren Buffett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
- Warren Buffett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- Jimmy Fallon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- George Jean Nathan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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