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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
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Topic: Funny
Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
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Topic: Funny
Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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Topic: Funny
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
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Topic: Funny
You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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Topic: Funny
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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Topic: Funny
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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Topic: Funny
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
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Topic: Funny
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
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Topic: Funny
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
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Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
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Topic: Funny
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
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Topic: Funny
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
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Topic: Funny
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
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Topic: Funny
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
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Topic: Funny, Relationships
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
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Topic: Funny
Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
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Topic: Funny
I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
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Topic: Funny
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
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Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
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Topic: Funny
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
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Topic: Funny
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
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Topic: Funny
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
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