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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
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Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
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Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
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You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
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That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
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Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
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Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
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When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
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An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
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Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
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Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
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I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
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Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
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I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
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I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
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That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
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Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Invisible things are the only realities.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Loss of Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."
"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.
- Conan O'Brien
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
- C.S. Lewis
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Think, think, think.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm going to talk to her."
"And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
- J.R. Ward
Dark Lover
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
- William Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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