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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
- Paul Lynde
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Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
- Laurence J. Peter
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
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I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
- Dylan Moran
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
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I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London
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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
- Robert Benchley
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I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Eddie Izzard
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
- Stephen Leacock
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Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce
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So many books, so little time.
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Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.
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Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
- Terry Pratchett
Thief of Time
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
- Paul Lynde
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Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
- Laurence J. Peter
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
- Dylan Moran
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
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I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
- Robert Benchley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
- Stephen Leacock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So many books, so little time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
- Terry Pratchett
Thief of Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
- Paul Lynde
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
- Laurence J. Peter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
- Dylan Moran
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
- Robert Benchley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
- Stephen Leacock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So many books, so little time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
- Terry Pratchett
Thief of Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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