TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
3
4
5
6
7
 		...
Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
- Lemony Snicket
The Penultimate Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
- Dave Barry
Dave Barry Does Japan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.
- Jasper Fforde
First Among Sequels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
- Nora Ephron
When Harry Met Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You look too pretty to be useful."
"Truer words were never spoken."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.
- Rachel Hill
A Girl's Guide to Guys: Meeting Them, Managing Them and All That Love Stuff
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"
"I know who you are, but..." Maia looked dazed. "You look so...so...shiny."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
- Susan Ee
Angelfall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.
- Salvador Dalí
Dalí's Mustache
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
- Lemony Snicket
The Penultimate Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
- Dave Barry
Dave Barry Does Japan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.
- Jasper Fforde
First Among Sequels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
- Nora Ephron
When Harry Met Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You look too pretty to be useful."
"Truer words were never spoken."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.
- Rachel Hill
A Girl's Guide to Guys: Meeting Them, Managing Them and All That Love Stuff
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"
"I know who you are, but..." Maia looked dazed. "You look so...so...shiny."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
- Susan Ee
Angelfall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.
- Salvador Dalí
Dalí's Mustache
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
- Lemony Snicket
The Penultimate Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'

This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
- Dave Barry
Dave Barry Does Japan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
- Eddie Izzard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.
- Jasper Fforde
First Among Sequels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
- Nora Ephron
When Harry Met Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You look too pretty to be useful."
"Truer words were never spoken."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.
- Rachel Hill
A Girl's Guide to Guys: Meeting Them, Managing Them and All That Love Stuff
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"
"I know who you are, but..." Maia looked dazed. "You look so...so...shiny."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
- Susan Ee
Angelfall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.
- Salvador Dalí
Dalí's Mustache
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
3
4
5
6
7
 		...