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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.
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I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Castle in the Air
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Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi.
"Bebsi?" I asked.
"Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi."
"So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?"
"Brobably.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
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You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"
"I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
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I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
- Bill Hicks
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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That's not a bad word...hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn't.
- Judy Blume
Forever...
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It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
- William Faulkner
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I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to wonder why Will, Tessa, and Jem might be crouching together in a mostly disused storage room. "What are you three doing in here, anyway?"
Will tilted his head to the side and smiled at Henry. "Charades," he said. "Massive game.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
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I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long." -Nudge
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
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"...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?"
"In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
- P. G. Wodehouse
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Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
No hope, no harm; just another false alarm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."
Oh no... why?
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
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Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
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Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is your advice to young writers?”
“Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
- Charles Bukowski
Hot Water Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
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Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
- Lauren Oliver
Before I Fall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Castle in the Air
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi.
"Bebsi?" I asked.
"Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi."
"So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?"
"Brobably.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"
"I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's not a bad word...hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn't.
- Judy Blume
Forever...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
- William Faulkner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to wonder why Will, Tessa, and Jem might be crouching together in a mostly disused storage room. "What are you three doing in here, anyway?"
Will tilted his head to the side and smiled at Henry. "Charades," he said. "Massive game.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long." -Nudge
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?"
"In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
No hope, no harm; just another false alarm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."
Oh no... why?
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is your advice to young writers?”
“Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
- Charles Bukowski
Hot Water Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
- Lauren Oliver
Before I Fall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Castle in the Air
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi.
"Bebsi?" I asked.
"Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi."
"So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?"
"Brobably.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"
"I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's not a bad word...hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn't.
- Judy Blume
Forever...
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
- William Faulkner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to wonder why Will, Tessa, and Jem might be crouching together in a mostly disused storage room. "What are you three doing in here, anyway?"
Will tilted his head to the side and smiled at Henry. "Charades," he said. "Massive game.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long." -Nudge
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?"
"In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
No hope, no harm; just another false alarm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."
Oh no... why?
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
- Bill Watterson
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is your advice to young writers?”
“Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
- Charles Bukowski
Hot Water Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
- Lauren Oliver
Before I Fall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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100
101
102
103
104
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