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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet."
"You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.
He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."
I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.
"Oh, very funny!" I yelled.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
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She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.

I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, "Fuck subtle.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
- Lord Byron
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
- Dorothy Parker
The Portable Dorothy Parker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When God made man she was practicing.
- Rita Mae Brown
Cat on the Scent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a monster.
Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?
No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender's Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can kill you if done right.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
- John Locke
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
- José Saramago
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Monkeys can't talk, stupid!
- Jeff Kinney
Rodrick Rules
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights."
"Oh." His polite tone had returned.
"I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
"Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.
- Gail Carson Levine
Ella Enchanted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response: Okay. I won’t kiss you on your neck again.

So typical of him. No! You can’t ever kiss me ANYWHERE. You said you were going to keep your distance.

I’m trying, he wrote back. But you won’t keep your distance from me.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."
What?"
Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."
That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."
The people who've been in your secret hiding places."
The people you bite your thumb in front of."
Hi."
Hi."
..."
..."
Wow. My first Lindsey."
My second Colin."
That was fun. Let's try it again."
Sold."
..."
..."
..."
...
- John Green
An Abundance of Katherines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'

What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'

Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
- John Kennedy Toole
A Confederacy of Dunces
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But indeed I would rather have nothing but tea.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.
--Laurie
- Louisa May Alcott
Little Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet."
"You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.
He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."
I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.
"Oh, very funny!" I yelled.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.

I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, "Fuck subtle.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
- Lord Byron
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
- Dorothy Parker
The Portable Dorothy Parker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When God made man she was practicing.
- Rita Mae Brown
Cat on the Scent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a monster.
Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?
No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender's Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can kill you if done right.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
- John Locke
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
- José Saramago
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Monkeys can't talk, stupid!
- Jeff Kinney
Rodrick Rules
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights."
"Oh." His polite tone had returned.
"I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
"Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.
- Gail Carson Levine
Ella Enchanted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response: Okay. I won’t kiss you on your neck again.

So typical of him. No! You can’t ever kiss me ANYWHERE. You said you were going to keep your distance.

I’m trying, he wrote back. But you won’t keep your distance from me.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."
What?"
Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."
That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."
The people who've been in your secret hiding places."
The people you bite your thumb in front of."
Hi."
Hi."
..."
..."
Wow. My first Lindsey."
My second Colin."
That was fun. Let's try it again."
Sold."
..."
..."
..."
...
- John Green
An Abundance of Katherines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'

What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'

Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
- John Kennedy Toole
A Confederacy of Dunces
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But indeed I would rather have nothing but tea.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.
--Laurie
- Louisa May Alcott
Little Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet."
"You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.
He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."
I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.
"Oh, very funny!" I yelled.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.

I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, "Fuck subtle.
- Jim Butcher
Changes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
- Lord Byron
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
- Dorothy Parker
The Portable Dorothy Parker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When God made man she was practicing.
- Rita Mae Brown
Cat on the Scent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a monster.
Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?
No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender's Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can kill you if done right.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
- John Locke
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
- José Saramago
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Monkeys can't talk, stupid!
- Jeff Kinney
Rodrick Rules
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights."
"Oh." His polite tone had returned.
"I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
"Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.
- Gail Carson Levine
Ella Enchanted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response: Okay. I won’t kiss you on your neck again.

So typical of him. No! You can’t ever kiss me ANYWHERE. You said you were going to keep your distance.

I’m trying, he wrote back. But you won’t keep your distance from me.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."
What?"
Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."
That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."
The people who've been in your secret hiding places."
The people you bite your thumb in front of."
Hi."
Hi."
..."
..."
Wow. My first Lindsey."
My second Colin."
That was fun. Let's try it again."
Sold."
..."
..."
..."
...
- John Green
An Abundance of Katherines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'

What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'

Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
- John Kennedy Toole
A Confederacy of Dunces
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But indeed I would rather have nothing but tea.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.
--Laurie
- Louisa May Alcott
Little Women
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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103
104
105
106
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