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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?"

I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
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I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.
"Honestly?"
"Does now seem like the time for honesty?"
I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.”
“Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?”
Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off."
- Michael Grant
Hunger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Gideon was experiencing one powerful emotion: being sick of everyone’s shit.
- Tamsyn Muir
Gideon the Ninth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.
- Rachel Cohn
Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.
- Stephanie Perkins
Isla and the Happily Ever After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry," he says.
"What? Why?"
"You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things."
"Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want."
He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I've said. I didn't mean it like that.
Not that that would be so bad.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."

His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.

After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.
- Mike Royko
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. 'It's not what you think,' she said. 'It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?
- Rachel Caine
Lord of Misrule
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Percy was getting tired of water.
If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a mournful discovery.
1)Those who agree with you are insane
2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.
- E.B. White
Charlotte’s Web
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."

The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺ

ʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Bad Moon Rising
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"

His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, "Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I'm getting from you!
- Shelly Laurenston
The Mane Squeeze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!”
“Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?"

I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.
"Honestly?"
"Does now seem like the time for honesty?"
I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.”
“Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?”
Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off."
- Michael Grant
Hunger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Gideon was experiencing one powerful emotion: being sick of everyone’s shit.
- Tamsyn Muir
Gideon the Ninth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.
- Rachel Cohn
Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.
- Stephanie Perkins
Isla and the Happily Ever After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry," he says.
"What? Why?"
"You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things."
"Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want."
He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I've said. I didn't mean it like that.
Not that that would be so bad.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."

His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.

After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.
- Mike Royko
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. 'It's not what you think,' she said. 'It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?
- Rachel Caine
Lord of Misrule
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Percy was getting tired of water.
If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a mournful discovery.
1)Those who agree with you are insane
2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.
- E.B. White
Charlotte’s Web
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."

The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺ

ʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Bad Moon Rising
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"

His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, "Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I'm getting from you!
- Shelly Laurenston
The Mane Squeeze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!”
“Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?"

I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed.
"Honestly?"
"Does now seem like the time for honesty?"
I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.”
“Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?”
Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off."
- Michael Grant
Hunger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Gideon was experiencing one powerful emotion: being sick of everyone’s shit.
- Tamsyn Muir
Gideon the Ninth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.
- Rachel Cohn
Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.
- Stephanie Perkins
Isla and the Happily Ever After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry," he says.
"What? Why?"
"You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things."
"Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want."
He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I've said. I didn't mean it like that.
Not that that would be so bad.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."

His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.

After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.
- Mike Royko
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. 'It's not what you think,' she said. 'It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?
- Rachel Caine
Lord of Misrule
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Percy was getting tired of water.
If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a mournful discovery.
1)Those who agree with you are insane
2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.
- E.B. White
Charlotte’s Web
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."

The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺ

ʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Bad Moon Rising
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"

His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, "Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I'm getting from you!
- Shelly Laurenston
The Mane Squeeze
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!”
“Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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103
104
105
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