TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
104
105
106
107
108
 		...
Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”
“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?
- Molly Harper
Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”

...

“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”

...

“I’m not the devil’s bride.”

“He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know people who insist they like 'all kinds of music'? That actually means they like no kinds of music.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The big difference between my mom and me-- besides the fact that she is dead normal and I'm a magic-handling freak-- is that she's the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other people's points of view, but she's honest about it. She's a brass-bound bitch because she believes she knows best. I'm a brass-bound bitch because I don't want anyone getting close enough to find out what a whiny little knot of naked nerve endings I really am.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never met a man that I didn't like.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They might be kittens," she said hopefully.
"They're stalking us."
"They might be shy."
"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."
"Puppies, then?
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?"
"He's a she," Mom said.
"Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed."
"Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
- Dick Francis
To the Hilt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Such is the vastness of his genius that he can outwit even himself.
- Steven Erikson
Deadhouse Gates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just can't kill people and be pretty. It's confusing.
- Hannah Nicole Maehrer
Assistant to the Villain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter to Austin:
"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.
- Dani Alexander
Shattered Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My geekness is a-quivering.
- Jack Thorne
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Parts One and Two
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo..."

Mencheres to Cat
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when people say 'I see'. It doesn't mean anything and I think it's hostile. Whenever anyone tells me 'I see' I think they're really saying 'Fuck you'.
- Peter Cameron
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”
“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?
- Molly Harper
Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”

...

“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”

...

“I’m not the devil’s bride.”

“He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know people who insist they like 'all kinds of music'? That actually means they like no kinds of music.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The big difference between my mom and me-- besides the fact that she is dead normal and I'm a magic-handling freak-- is that she's the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other people's points of view, but she's honest about it. She's a brass-bound bitch because she believes she knows best. I'm a brass-bound bitch because I don't want anyone getting close enough to find out what a whiny little knot of naked nerve endings I really am.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never met a man that I didn't like.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They might be kittens," she said hopefully.
"They're stalking us."
"They might be shy."
"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."
"Puppies, then?
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?"
"He's a she," Mom said.
"Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed."
"Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
- Dick Francis
To the Hilt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Such is the vastness of his genius that he can outwit even himself.
- Steven Erikson
Deadhouse Gates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just can't kill people and be pretty. It's confusing.
- Hannah Nicole Maehrer
Assistant to the Villain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter to Austin:
"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.
- Dani Alexander
Shattered Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My geekness is a-quivering.
- Jack Thorne
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Parts One and Two
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo..."

Mencheres to Cat
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when people say 'I see'. It doesn't mean anything and I think it's hostile. Whenever anyone tells me 'I see' I think they're really saying 'Fuck you'.
- Peter Cameron
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”
“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?
- Molly Harper
Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”

...

“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”

...

“I’m not the devil’s bride.”

“He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know people who insist they like 'all kinds of music'? That actually means they like no kinds of music.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The big difference between my mom and me-- besides the fact that she is dead normal and I'm a magic-handling freak-- is that she's the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other people's points of view, but she's honest about it. She's a brass-bound bitch because she believes she knows best. I'm a brass-bound bitch because I don't want anyone getting close enough to find out what a whiny little knot of naked nerve endings I really am.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never met a man that I didn't like.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They might be kittens," she said hopefully.
"They're stalking us."
"They might be shy."
"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."
"Puppies, then?
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?"
"He's a she," Mom said.
"Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed."
"Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
- Dick Francis
To the Hilt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases
- John Irving
The World According to Garp
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Such is the vastness of his genius that he can outwit even himself.
- Steven Erikson
Deadhouse Gates
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just can't kill people and be pretty. It's confusing.
- Hannah Nicole Maehrer
Assistant to the Villain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter to Austin:
"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.
- Dani Alexander
Shattered Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My geekness is a-quivering.
- Jack Thorne
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Parts One and Two
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo..."

Mencheres to Cat
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when people say 'I see'. It doesn't mean anything and I think it's hostile. Whenever anyone tells me 'I see' I think they're really saying 'Fuck you'.
- Peter Cameron
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
104
105
106
107
108
 		...