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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Vlad hated doing the paperwork as much as he did when a human employee quit, which was why they'd both made a promise not to eat quitters just to avoid the paperwork. As Tess had pointed out, eating the staff was bad for morale and made it so much harder to find new employees.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
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...Where does she get her supplies?"

Winston held his gaze. Blinked. Licked his lips. Opened his mouth. Hesitated. Swallowed. Coughed. Finally responded, "The hardware store?"

"The hardware store?"

"Yes." Winston's head bobbed. "That's where she gets her stuff."

"Is that code for something?"

"No? Just the hardware store."

... "Any specific hardware store?" Asked Adrian.

"Hmmm." Winston seemed to consider this. Then, "Nope. She likes them all.
- Marissa Meyer
Renegades
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I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
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What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
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It has been remarked (by a lady infinitely cleverer than the present author) how kindly disposed the world in general feels to young people who either die or marry. Imagine then the interest that surrounded Miss Wintertowne! No young lady ever had such advantages before: for she died upon the Tuesday, was raised to life in the early hours of Wednesday morning, and was married upon the Thursday; which some people thought too much excitement for one week.
- Susanna Clarke
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
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No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?
- C.J. Daugherty
Night School
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Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”
Iarlath shrugged. “You’ve always been partial to blondes,” he said.
“Okay, seriously?” Emma snapped her fingers. “I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of ‘Who’s the Hottest?'"
I wasn’t aware you were invited at all,” said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.
“Rude,” said Emma.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”
“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”
“Give me the laundry.”
“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regarding Her Majesty, Queen Levana, has she or any of the Lunar court commented on the escape of the convict?"
Kai's jaw tensed. "Oh, she's had a thing or two to say about it.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace
'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)
- David Levithan
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."

Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him."

"He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look.
"We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe."

Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof.
- Melissa Marr
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.
- Sophie Kinsella
Remember Me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
- Cat Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew a Buddhist once, and I've hated myself ever since.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, I love a man who reads
- Tiffany Reisz
Seven Day Loan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?
It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!
- Louise Rennison
Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Vlad hated doing the paperwork as much as he did when a human employee quit, which was why they'd both made a promise not to eat quitters just to avoid the paperwork. As Tess had pointed out, eating the staff was bad for morale and made it so much harder to find new employees.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...Where does she get her supplies?"

Winston held his gaze. Blinked. Licked his lips. Opened his mouth. Hesitated. Swallowed. Coughed. Finally responded, "The hardware store?"

"The hardware store?"

"Yes." Winston's head bobbed. "That's where she gets her stuff."

"Is that code for something?"

"No? Just the hardware store."

... "Any specific hardware store?" Asked Adrian.

"Hmmm." Winston seemed to consider this. Then, "Nope. She likes them all.
- Marissa Meyer
Renegades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has been remarked (by a lady infinitely cleverer than the present author) how kindly disposed the world in general feels to young people who either die or marry. Imagine then the interest that surrounded Miss Wintertowne! No young lady ever had such advantages before: for she died upon the Tuesday, was raised to life in the early hours of Wednesday morning, and was married upon the Thursday; which some people thought too much excitement for one week.
- Susanna Clarke
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?
- C.J. Daugherty
Night School
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”
Iarlath shrugged. “You’ve always been partial to blondes,” he said.
“Okay, seriously?” Emma snapped her fingers. “I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of ‘Who’s the Hottest?'"
I wasn’t aware you were invited at all,” said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.
“Rude,” said Emma.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”
“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”
“Give me the laundry.”
“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regarding Her Majesty, Queen Levana, has she or any of the Lunar court commented on the escape of the convict?"
Kai's jaw tensed. "Oh, she's had a thing or two to say about it.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace
'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)
- David Levithan
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."

Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him."

"He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look.
"We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe."

Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof.
- Melissa Marr
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.
- Sophie Kinsella
Remember Me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
- Cat Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew a Buddhist once, and I've hated myself ever since.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, I love a man who reads
- Tiffany Reisz
Seven Day Loan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?
It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!
- Louise Rennison
Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Vlad hated doing the paperwork as much as he did when a human employee quit, which was why they'd both made a promise not to eat quitters just to avoid the paperwork. As Tess had pointed out, eating the staff was bad for morale and made it so much harder to find new employees.
- Anne Bishop
Written in Red
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...Where does she get her supplies?"

Winston held his gaze. Blinked. Licked his lips. Opened his mouth. Hesitated. Swallowed. Coughed. Finally responded, "The hardware store?"

"The hardware store?"

"Yes." Winston's head bobbed. "That's where she gets her stuff."

"Is that code for something?"

"No? Just the hardware store."

... "Any specific hardware store?" Asked Adrian.

"Hmmm." Winston seemed to consider this. Then, "Nope. She likes them all.
- Marissa Meyer
Renegades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”
“Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?”
“Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”
“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has been remarked (by a lady infinitely cleverer than the present author) how kindly disposed the world in general feels to young people who either die or marry. Imagine then the interest that surrounded Miss Wintertowne! No young lady ever had such advantages before: for she died upon the Tuesday, was raised to life in the early hours of Wednesday morning, and was married upon the Thursday; which some people thought too much excitement for one week.
- Susanna Clarke
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?
- C.J. Daugherty
Night School
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”
Iarlath shrugged. “You’ve always been partial to blondes,” he said.
“Okay, seriously?” Emma snapped her fingers. “I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of ‘Who’s the Hottest?'"
I wasn’t aware you were invited at all,” said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.
“Rude,” said Emma.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”
“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”
“Give me the laundry.”
“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regarding Her Majesty, Queen Levana, has she or any of the Lunar court commented on the escape of the convict?"
Kai's jaw tensed. "Oh, she's had a thing or two to say about it.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace
'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)
- David Levithan
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."

Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him."

"He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look.
"We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe."

Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof.
- Melissa Marr
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.
- Sophie Kinsella
Remember Me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
- Cat Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew a Buddhist once, and I've hated myself ever since.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, I love a man who reads
- Tiffany Reisz
Seven Day Loan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?
It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!
- Louise Rennison
Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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