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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy."

- Cat re: Bones
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
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It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
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I'll be right behind you"
behind her? Thirty-two steps with him looking at her butt?
"No, you wont."
"Look, it's late, i'm tired, can we just-"
"it'll be a cold day in hell when you follow me up those steps. You want to go up, you go first."
"Why?" he said mystified
"you're not looking at my rear end all the way up that hill."
Cal sighed and took the first step. "wait a minute. Now you'll be looking at my butt all the way up the steps."
"yes but you probably have a great butt," Min said. "it's an entirely different dynamic.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
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Whew! You two are blowing hotter air than a tornado circlin’ a volcano in Hades.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
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He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.
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I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"

And what?" (Michael)

When did you get home?" Claire demanded.

Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
- Sam Levenson
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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
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Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Alexander Woollcott
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Let's have some new cliches.
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When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
- Jane Wagner
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One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
- Benjamin Jowett
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One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland
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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
- Lenny Bruce
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So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
- Christina Aguilera
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As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman
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Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
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Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
- Christopher Plummer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy."

- Cat re: Bones
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll be right behind you"
behind her? Thirty-two steps with him looking at her butt?
"No, you wont."
"Look, it's late, i'm tired, can we just-"
"it'll be a cold day in hell when you follow me up those steps. You want to go up, you go first."
"Why?" he said mystified
"you're not looking at my rear end all the way up that hill."
Cal sighed and took the first step. "wait a minute. Now you'll be looking at my butt all the way up the steps."
"yes but you probably have a great butt," Min said. "it's an entirely different dynamic.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whew! You two are blowing hotter air than a tornado circlin’ a volcano in Hades.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"

And what?" (Michael)

When did you get home?" Claire demanded.

Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Alexander Woollcott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's have some new cliches.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
- Jane Wagner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
- Benjamin Jowett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
- Christina Aguilera
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
- Christopher Plummer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy."

- Cat re: Bones
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll be right behind you"
behind her? Thirty-two steps with him looking at her butt?
"No, you wont."
"Look, it's late, i'm tired, can we just-"
"it'll be a cold day in hell when you follow me up those steps. You want to go up, you go first."
"Why?" he said mystified
"you're not looking at my rear end all the way up that hill."
Cal sighed and took the first step. "wait a minute. Now you'll be looking at my butt all the way up the steps."
"yes but you probably have a great butt," Min said. "it's an entirely different dynamic.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whew! You two are blowing hotter air than a tornado circlin’ a volcano in Hades.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"

And what?" (Michael)

When did you get home?" Claire demanded.

Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Alexander Woollcott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's have some new cliches.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
- Jane Wagner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
- Benjamin Jowett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
- Christina Aguilera
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
- Christopher Plummer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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109
110
111
112
113
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