FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
- George S. Kaufman
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
- Sparky Anderson
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
- Wilson Mizner
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I read part of it all the way through.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
- Billy Connolly
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
- Rob Corddry
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
- Paula Poundstone
Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
- Edith Sitwell
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
- Paul Terry
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
- Markus Herz
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
- Billy Sunday
"Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
- George S. Kaufman
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
- Sparky Anderson
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
- Wilson Mizner
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I read part of it all the way through.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
- Billy Connolly
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
- Rob Corddry
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
- Paula Poundstone
Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
- Edith Sitwell
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
- Paul Terry
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
- Markus Herz
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
- Billy Sunday
"Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
- George S. Kaufman
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
- Sparky Anderson
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
- Wilson Mizner
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I read part of it all the way through.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
- Billy Connolly
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
- Rob Corddry
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
- Paula Poundstone
Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
- Edith Sitwell
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
- Paul Terry
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
- Markus Herz
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
- Billy Sunday
"Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ
